I’ll be honest: while I was prepared to allow significant leeway from the absolute MASTERPIECE that is The Lord of the Rings when Hollywood set out to do a movie adaptation (I simply assume that they are too incompetent to do an accurate portrayal), I lost most of my interest in the franchise in the middle of The Two Towers, when Frodo suddenly attempted to hand the One Ring over to a Nazgul.

That being said, I have now watched all six movies in this franchise, and all of the Hobbit movies make that moment look like it was directed by Tolkein himself. The Battle of Five Armies is simply painful to watch–from the the simultaneously tedious and extraneous dwarf-elf romance, to the inept battle-tactics (The Dwarves set up a huge, sturdy shield-wall between a host of Elven archers and the oncoming Orc army. What do the Elves do? Jump over the shield-wall and engage the Orcs hand-to-hand!), to the continuation of a huge error from the first series (Why do the Elves keep DYING? ELVES DON’T DIE.), to the just plain stupid (“These bats were bred for one purpose. War!”).

The makers of the Lord of the Rings series made its tone significantly darker than the novel ever was (it is actually a single novel), and now they have made The Hobbit–a childrens’ book!–just as dark. Further, they have padded and stretched this much smaller work, to the same film-length as was taken up by LOTR. It’s like watching butter… scraped across too much bread.

Update: Here is a link to a review who is much kinder to the LOTR series than am I.

Published by Little-Known Blogger

I spent the first years of my life in a trailer park outside of a tiny town in rural Missouri. I grew up to be a long-haired, gun-hating, military-hating, Presbyterian super-liberal. Well, perhaps the “growing up” happened later. While in high school, I was on the cross-country and wrestling teams, and actually won my weight-class in a State powerlifting competition. I went on to attend college on a Bright Flight scholarship, where I promptly became an atheist. I trained for a few years in Shotokan karate and Cheng-system taijiquan before training in my first real martial art, Hwarang-Do, under the late Franklin Fowlkes (later the Founder and Grandmaster of the Five Elements Martial Arts System). I married an older Taiwanese woman my junior year, got divorced in short order, and dropped out of college. After completing my AA in Psychology, I decided I needed a complete change of scenery and joined the U.S. Marine Corps (having early been assured that there was no way that a skinny liberal like me would ever survive Boot Camp). Contrary to what the Hipster Zombies will tell you, this did not “brainwash me into being a Conservative”. Instead, it made me a very unhappy, short-haired liberal, surrounded by guns and the military. However, I spent my whole contract (after schools) on the island of Okinawa, where I was exposed to points of view not dominated by the American liberal media. During this time, I taught ESL classes as a side-job, trained under some of the highest-ranking masters of karate on Okinawa, and discovered the practice of Buddhism. I also spent some time in Korea, where I got to train in hapkido. It was during this period that I came gradually to realize how stupid and evil American liberalism actually is. This was partly due to my Military Police command sending me to Small Arms Instructor school, which gave me more exposure to guns than I could ever have imagined—thus negating my idiotic liberal distaste for them. After the active-duty portion of my Marine Corps contract was over, I worked several jobs, from security contracts to operating a forklift in a warehouse. In 2002, however, when the invasion of Iraq was getting under way, I signed up with the Missouri Army National Guard, and have remained with them since, continuing as a Military Policeman. I am also full-time corrections officer, a member of the Anglican Church, and at one time was an Instructor Candidate in Dekiti-Tirsia Serradas Kali (until my instructor moved away). My hobbies (beyond blogging) include strength training, shooting sports, martial arts, creating digital art, and being a huge science and science-fiction geek.

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