St. Valentine’s Day Commercials

So, I’m taking over my shift at work. My colleague has just given his change-over briefing, and he’s getting ready to leave, when a commercial for “Pajamagrams” comes on the television. “Only one gift is guaranteed to get women to take their clothes off this Valentine’s day,” the announcer intones.
Now, I already know that the next line will be, “A Pajamagram!” However, the makers of this commercial have thoughtfully left a nice anticipatory silence between the two sentences. Of course, anyone having watched a movie with me since my MST3K infatuation in college knows not to leave such pauses in the dialogue when I’m around. Before the announcer can gleefully inform us that it is a “Pajamagram” which will entice the clothing off of our significant others, I lean over confidentially and announce my own idea about what gift is guaranteed to get women out of their clothes.
“Money,” I say.

Invariably, the Pajamagrams commercial is followed by a spot for Vermont Teddy Bears. The VTB spot apparently takes place in an office whose steno pool consists exclusively of between-jobs porn stars. One of these… ahem… “buxom young ladies” receives a Vermont Teddy Bear from her boyfriend, delivered at work. The dialogue begins in true porn-wannabe fashion:
“It’s so much bigger than I expected!” offers one girl.
“Oh, I could just kiss it and kiss it,” says another.
“I can’t wait to give him my surprise,” finishes the first.
At this point, I look over at my friend and ask him, “Now, do you know what was given to those girls to make them say all of those sexy things?”
He opens his mouth to say ‘no,’ then closes it and thinks. “Money?” he asks.
Money,” I confirm.

Published by Little-Known Blogger

I spent the first years of my life in a trailer park outside of a tiny town in rural Missouri. I grew up to be a long-haired, gun-hating, military-hating, Presbyterian super-liberal. Well, perhaps the “growing up” happened later. While in high school, I was on the cross-country and wrestling teams, and actually won my weight-class in a State powerlifting competition. I went on to attend college on a Bright Flight scholarship, where I promptly became an atheist. I trained for a few years in Shotokan karate and Cheng-system taijiquan before training in my first real martial art, Hwarang-Do, under the late Franklin Fowlkes (later the Founder and Grandmaster of the Five Elements Martial Arts System). I married an older Taiwanese woman my junior year, got divorced in short order, and dropped out of college. After completing my AA in Psychology, I decided I needed a complete change of scenery and joined the U.S. Marine Corps (having early been assured that there was no way that a skinny liberal like me would ever survive Boot Camp). Contrary to what the Hipster Zombies will tell you, this did not “brainwash me into being a Conservative”. Instead, it made me a very unhappy, short-haired liberal, surrounded by guns and the military. However, I spent my whole contract (after schools) on the island of Okinawa, where I was exposed to points of view not dominated by the American liberal media. During this time, I taught ESL classes as a side-job, trained under some of the highest-ranking masters of karate on Okinawa, and discovered the practice of Buddhism. I also spent some time in Korea, where I got to train in hapkido. It was during this period that I came gradually to realize how stupid and evil American liberalism actually is. This was partly due to my Military Police command sending me to Small Arms Instructor school, which gave me more exposure to guns than I could ever have imagined—thus negating my idiotic liberal distaste for them. After the active-duty portion of my Marine Corps contract was over, I worked several jobs, from security contracts to operating a forklift in a warehouse. In 2002, however, when the invasion of Iraq was getting under way, I signed up with the Missouri Army National Guard, and have remained with them since, continuing as a Military Policeman. I am also full-time corrections officer, a member of the Anglican Church, and at one time was an Instructor Candidate in Dekiti-Tirsia Serradas Kali (until my instructor moved away). My hobbies (beyond blogging) include strength training, shooting sports, martial arts, creating digital art, and being a huge science and science-fiction geek.

Join the Conversation

3 Comments

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: