The First Ballad of Avril the Legionnaire

The people at People and E! Magazine
Thought they’d seen every celebrity scene
And knew all the fads that came with each season
But even the Enquirer was stumped for a reason
When Avril Lavigne joined the French Foreign Legion.

She made up her face, and kept her face plain
As she listened, aghast, to the recruiter explain:
“There’s been some mistake, Miss; you’ve read something wrong;
We don’t hire young girls, or need singers of songs.
We train hard-core killers. You’d best run along.”

Out lashed a tiny foot, high-arched and fey
Clad in three pounds of leather in deep shades of gray
It broke the man’s jaw, it sprawled him out reeling.
Avril said to the man (as he stared at the ceiling)
“I’ve a penchant for violence, and find wet-work appealing.”

“March or Die!” was her motto in those next desert days
As she learned the hard lessons of a warrior’s ways
In every assault, she was first through the door;
In the long waits between, she was cool to the Corps.
“Lie back,” she would say, “It’s all been done before.”