“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline…”

– If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

– If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

– If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

– If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

– If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

– If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

– If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

– If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

– If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

– If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

– If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

– If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

– If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

– If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

– If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

– If you are a blonde don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.