Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Or, as I think of it, The Day I Lost Interest in Benicio del Toro. Now, the special effects in this one are great, and the fact that I was incredibly disappointed with this movie does not necessarily mean that others will be–so if you intend to watch it in the cinema, be aware that spoilers most definitely follow:

–No more Lovecraft! That’s right–Hollywood has dumbed down Lovecraft-inspired references (in this case, the Ogdru Jihad; the Seven Gods of Chaos from the actual Hellboy comics) into references to “the Devil.” Hellboy is no longer Rama-Anung-Rama, construct of the Ogdru Jihad and bearer of the Right Hand of Fate; now he is Rama-Anung-Rama, “Son of the Fallen One.” Yawn.
–Lots of Harry Potter! The occult-conspiracy element of this movie is taken almost entirely from Harry Potter, with the occassional nod to the Lord of the Rings movies–and one reference I believe to be a nod to Willow. Now, don’t get me wrong; the fairies in this movie are visually stunning–but they are ENTIRELY derivative. The visual appeal is taken almost straight from El Laberintino del Fauno, del Toro’s Spanish-language fairie movie (for some reason re-named in English as “Pan’s Labyrinth”), and the “Troll Market” which was such a major plot-point is quite OBVIOUSLY Diagon Alley.
–War! Let’s see–a long time ago, the King of Faerie got into an ideological war with humankind, and killed lots of people with his “indestructible Golden Army” in an unstoppable advance. At the last minute, he developed a conscience, and decided to rely on diplomacy rather than continue the war. Today, his son has decided to pursue the war and lead the Golden Army against his own father’s wishes and the wishes of the other rulers of Faerie. In the end, he accomplishes nothing except killing people and destroying beautiful things–and of course, the “real” heroes have to stop him.
Gee, I wonder to what Hollywood was attempting to draw an analogy there?
–Gay Marriage! See, while they got rid of my favorite part of the original Hellboy movie (the Lovecraftian influence), they kept my least favorite part (the ridiculous love story between Hellboy and Liz). In fact, in this movie, Liz is pregnant with twins by Hellboy (yawn). When BPRD becomes publicly known in this movie, “certain religous groups protest inter-species marriage” and throw rocks at Hellboy when he stands next to Liz. That’s right–so, if you are part of those “certain religious groups” (Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, et al.) who oppose nonstandard–let’s say homosexual–marriage, you’re by extension just like those people throwing rocks at Hellboy while he’s “just trying to help them.” Of course, this ignores the fact that demons aren’t a species, Hellboy and Liz weren’t married, and–if we’re going to take the whole “occult conspiracy” element of the movie seriously–various cultures have records of demonically-conceived children… and it never ends well.

I had been REALLY looking forward to this movie, too. It just proves my friend’s previous point about critics giving higher ratings to movies with hippie-liberal leanings…

Published by Little-Known Blogger

I spent the first years of my life in a trailer park outside of a tiny town in rural Missouri. I grew up to be a long-haired, gun-hating, military-hating, Presbyterian super-liberal. Well, perhaps the “growing up” happened later. While in high school, I was on the cross-country and wrestling teams, and actually won my weight-class in a State powerlifting competition. I went on to attend college on a Bright Flight scholarship, where I promptly became an atheist. I trained for a few years in Shotokan karate and Cheng-system taijiquan before training in my first real martial art, Hwarang-Do, under the late Franklin Fowlkes (later the Founder and Grandmaster of the Five Elements Martial Arts System). I married an older Taiwanese woman my junior year, got divorced in short order, and dropped out of college. After completing my AA in Psychology, I decided I needed a complete change of scenery and joined the U.S. Marine Corps (having early been assured that there was no way that a skinny liberal like me would ever survive Boot Camp). Contrary to what the Hipster Zombies will tell you, this did not “brainwash me into being a Conservative”. Instead, it made me a very unhappy, short-haired liberal, surrounded by guns and the military. However, I spent my whole contract (after schools) on the island of Okinawa, where I was exposed to points of view not dominated by the American liberal media. During this time, I taught ESL classes as a side-job, trained under some of the highest-ranking masters of karate on Okinawa, and discovered the practice of Buddhism. I also spent some time in Korea, where I got to train in hapkido. It was during this period that I came gradually to realize how stupid and evil American liberalism actually is. This was partly due to my Military Police command sending me to Small Arms Instructor school, which gave me more exposure to guns than I could ever have imagined—thus negating my idiotic liberal distaste for them. After the active-duty portion of my Marine Corps contract was over, I worked several jobs, from security contracts to operating a forklift in a warehouse. In 2002, however, when the invasion of Iraq was getting under way, I signed up with the Missouri Army National Guard, and have remained with them since, continuing as a Military Policeman. I am also full-time corrections officer, a member of the Anglican Church, and at one time was an Instructor Candidate in Dekiti-Tirsia Serradas Kali (until my instructor moved away). My hobbies (beyond blogging) include strength training, shooting sports, martial arts, creating digital art, and being a huge science and science-fiction geek.

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  1. Well, it was an action movie with humor–which the better action movies usually have.If you liked the special effects, have you seen Del Toro’s previous movie, “Pan’s Labyrinth?” (Literally, “The Labyrinth of the Faun,” but that’s what happens when Hollywood releases a foreign-language film…)

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